Hey there, world!  David here, but you probably already figured that part out.  As you've also probably figured out, I haven't posted here for a while.  School, activism, work, defeating the fire nation, learning the true meaning of friendship- I had been quite busy at UC Irvine and it got in the way of consistently updating.

Now, I have been finished with UC Irvine for about two months.  Since then, things have changed.  I have changed.  I hardly even giggle to myself when people say the word "duty" anymore (...okay, that's a lie).

I now have a new blog here on Blogger.  It's similar to this one, in that there is no overarching theme or topic, because I have the laserlike focus of a laser built by laser creationists.  However, my newer blog is filled with far less sass.  Instead, the focus is more on "the main point of the post" or whatever.  So give that bad boy a look.  I'm not saying it will make you a better lover or improve your social life, but no studies have been released to suggest otherwise.  Do you really want to take that chance?

UFC 153

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Glorious Return Part 2: "Nice" Guys

I’m just going to get this disclaimer out of the way: being an actual nice person is dope and you should always strive to be one.  Tell the person at the register they are doing a great job, give someone a jump if their car battery ran out, compliment a stranger’s hair in the middle of an orgy- it’s the little things that can really make a person’s day.  Life can be tough sometimes, why shouldn’t we try to treat each other with respect and dignity?

 "Hey, I really liked your hair in that orgy, heres a balloon"
See how easy that was?!*

But there are a lot of straight guys out there who perpetually talk about how their failure with women lies solely on the fact that they are “too nice” and that women only go after assholes.  From my understanding, a lot of straight women do the same thing where they say they are “too smart” to attract men; I’m not as familiar with that, but if anyone wants to write about that hit me up (same for any LGBTQ peeps).

This "nice" guy mentality is something I do know about, though- I was stuck in it myself until part way through high school.  So I’m coming from a place of understanding when I say there is more wrong with this “nice” guy mentality than what Snooki does to the prisoners in her labyrinth. 

First and foremost is that it turns women into a prize, rather than a person.  The underlying idea is that a woman is to be “won over” like a toy at an arcade.  Forget the fact that anything from a one night stand to a committed relationship involves things like chemistry, differences in what people find attractive, goals for what you want out- a woman should exchange me opening the door for her with blowjobs, damn it!  Forget their own opinions or preferences, they owe it to me!

Its something that has been programmed into us since birth through things such as movies.  The lovable loser or ugly duckling male lead inevitably wins over the beautiful female lead, who has the personality of a rock that finds Two Broke Girls funny.  Now try to think of how many times you've seen a movie where a guy ends up with an awkward girl who isn't what society would call attractive.  I don't mean an actress who puts on glasses and loose fitting clothes and is all of a sudden supposed to be considered unattractive, either.  I mean one who actually fits that criteria.  The only movie that I know of is that Shallow Hal movie with Jack Black.  

Are we really at a point as a society where Jack Black is our paragon of sexual equity?

This leads me to the next point, which is the underlying double standard in this statement.  The complaints are often about women who fit our society’s standard of beauty, what we consider attractive.  We talk about how the women who look like models are shallow and only care about douchebags, which would be like Walmart complaining about how Target destroys small businesses.  What if we talked to average, every day women, who have more than 5% body fat and a couple scars from their time wrestling bears to protect their young?

There is another layer of double standards, though.  For instance, lets say I boned a women on FOX News based purely on how physically attractive I find her, even though they contribute about as much good to the human species as a creationist museum.  I know I’d be greeted largely by high fives and more high fives because they are considered attractive.

But if a woman had sex with one of the guys on there?  It’d be a never ending stream of “how could you have sex with that monster?!”  And while Sean Hannity is known to sprout pale, leathery wings and breath fire on hapless travelers from time to time, I don’t think that is fair.  Maybe we should all be ashamed to be attracted to terrible people, maybe we shouldn’t be.  But we definitely should all be held to the same standard.

When the full moon rises, I shall merge with the night and usher in a new reign of suffering…

that aside, these double standards you soft fleshed mortals have are pretty wack

Also, I don't know a single woman who has ever turned down a guy for being "too nice."  If they do, they're either fifteen or have a lot of emotional issues.  And you really shouldn't be going after either.  I know tons of compassionate, caring people who are in healthy relationships and I don't know any woman who has ever turned down someone for being too "nice" or complained about a guy being nice, though I do know women who have turned down guys for being too docile, boring, and a whole host of other things.

That leads me to the final problem I will mention, which is the fact that this mentality is just a way for us to deflect blame from ourselves.  Sure, maybe we could stand to socialize a bit more, or exercise more often, or pick up an interesting hobby, or work on our sense of humor or whatever- or maybe its because we’re just too nice!  It sure does suck being this perfect and chivalrous when everyone else is an asshole!  I mean, if politeness can’t be used to get me some titties, whats the point of any of that bullshit, am I right nice guys?!  …Oh, wait.

*I hope you noticed I didn't specify which person in the picture gave the post-orgy balloon to the other

Glorious Return Part 1

Hello there readers, as you may have noticed I haven’t posted for a while.  I apologize, but I just haven’t found anything that I desperately needed to say.  If I kept speaking without anything to say, I’d be just as bad as recent episodes of Family Guy.  No one wants that.

But recently, a friend of mine linked me to an article called 10 Unbelievable Real Life Products (from Smosh.com).  After reading it I couldn’t resist the urge to mock everything I saw.  These products would not go unpunished.

My favorite thing about late night TV commercials is they all operate on the assumption that most of us watching are overwhelmed by how inconvenient our convenience based lifestyles are.  Here is the average late night TV commercial in a nutshell: "are you such an incompetent piece of shit that the most basic of everyday activities is confusing and frustrating?  Well fear not, because now we have invented a product to take away even the most trivial of discomforts! Order now and we'll send a telegraph to every child in an exploited nation telling them to go fuck themselves!"

These ten products are so bad, they are outliers on that spectrum. 

10.  Comfort Wipes

My favorite thing about this commercial is how terrible they make toilet paper sound, and yet the product is a plastic rod that holds your toilet paper.  Speaking of which, shoving a plastic rod up your backside with toilet paper at the end doesn’t sound like the cleanest process available.  It says contoured for your comfort, but that’s like contouring a chair for someone’s comfort before water boarding them.  Nothing this terrible has happened to human buttholes since, according to this video, the 1880s.

But wait, theres more!  Order now and you’ll get a “Get A Grip” to help you out of the bath!  This is a great deal for the two or three adults who still take bathes instead of showers.

9.  Tiddy Bears

If you had a stuffed animal attached to your seatbelt and told me it was to relieve the constant pressure of seatbelts, I’d instantly report you to the police, trusting that the corpses in the back of your vehicle would smell bad enough to serve as probable cause for a search warrant.  There is no one who owns this product and has any sort of respect for human life.

Also, if you want something short, orange, and sexually non-threatening to latch onto your chest while you drive, I’m pretty sure Pauly D will be looking for work soon enough.

8.  Slobstopper

They actually named this thing the “Slobstopper.”  If you lack enough self-respect to order a product that literally calls you a slob, what else can I really say?  Other than ask how long you've been writing erotic fan fiction, of course.

7.  Better Marriage Blanket

And they say letting gay people get married will ruin the sanctity of marriage?  Call me old fashioned, but if you need a blanket made of military grade material used to protect against chemical weapons, your marriage may need some work.

Couples should be able to enjoy each others’ farts.  Or maybe just get angry and say nothing about it, stifling your rage as it silently builds up, until one day you chase your spouse around with a kitchen knife.  Maybe that’s why they call it silent… but deadly!

6.  Kush Support

I’m not gonna pretend to be an expert on womens’ chest comfort when they sleep at night, but why would they name this thing after something that makes you paranoid and lazy?  I- ooooh, I get it!  Not cool, Kush Support.

5.  Ahhh…  Fresh Foam

I’d love to make fun of this product, but if I used toilet paper covered in a weird foamy substance, “Ahhh!” really does say it all.  It does make me wonder what so many late night TV commercials have against toilet paper, though.  Maybe it’s because every other late night TV commercial is from a fast food place like Taco Bell or Jack In The Box.  Eating at places like those will absolutely make conventional toilet paper inadequate.  Where is the military grade protection against chemical weapons when you actually need it?

4.  Poop Trap

The worst part about this is that the video claims that the pets will enjoy it too, knowing the pet won’t suddenly scream “curse you for doing this to me!”  Its like when a wealthy politician tries to talk about what low income communities need in a setting that has no actual poor folk in it.  It’s the best way to show everyone you hate your dog without having the animal shelter or police called on you.  The Poop Trap does a better job of stealing individual dignity than a corporation in a developing nation.  If animals overthrew humanity and dogs decided to enslave us, all they'd have to do is show this product as evidence and no Grand Animal Court would convict us.

3.  Cami Secret

Ladies, help me out here: have you ever wanted to put a piece of cloth under your low cut tops to stop people from staring at your cleavage, but hesitated because the cloth wasn’t unreasonably expensive?  Well, if that’s the case, then one of your male family members may also like…

2.  Uro Club

When I first saw this product, I knew something was off.  At first I thought it was just because the tone of the guy complaining about his inability to urinate in public clearly showed he was on bath salts.  Then I remembered that at country clubs, it is socially expected for members to relieve themselves by urinating on poor people and call it “trickle down economics.”  There was no real demand for this product, Uro Club, I’m on to you.

Also, urinating on a bush in public is as American as gentrification or late night TV commercials.  First these rich assholes shipped all of our jobs overseas, now they’re pissing away our traditions?  When will this attack on America end?!

1.  Wonder Boner

I’ll take two, please. 

[Shout out to Brandon for linking me to this article and Smosh for creating it in the first place]

Guest Blog: Whats The Deal With Music These Days?

A key trademark of dipshits is their need to proclaim how totally intelligent and independent minded they are.  Paradoxically, almost by definition, they have nothing interesting to say.

Because of this, they decide the best way to show everyone how free thinking they are is to proclaim how terrible Justin Bieber, "Twilight," or any other mediocre popular thing is, as if it is some deep, dark secret that only they could figure out.  It'd be like pointing out why a blind person couldn't be a good sniper to make it seem like you have a knowledge of guns or warfare.  If these people listened to song glorifying violence against women, three days and forty five listens later they'd post a status update on Facebook proclaiming how they just figured out "Smack That Bitch With a Shovel" is totally sexist and that everyone else should open their eyes!

Once they establish that some things in popular culture aren't a profound exploration of the human condition, they use this as an excuse to complain about how our generation is totally ignorant and how we should be ashamed that generic entertainment is popular.  They'll then cherry pick a couple classics from a single era, compare them to some of the more popular (but forgettable) stuff of today, and point to that as a reason as to why we are getting dumber as a species... except for them, of course!  If you made one of these people a professional MMA fighter, they'd just carry around a picture that features Bas Rutten, Jake Shields, and a caption that says "What happened?" to try and make up for the fact they'd start crying every time they got hit.

This leads me to today's guest post by famed internet playboy David Zafra, who has his own blog about movies and philosophy here.  Today he tackles the below poster, which perfectly epitomizes the aforementioned dipshittery I described:

I cannot believe how many people jump on the approval of this poster without realizing how illogical it is to be disappointed with music because of this kind of comparison. Comparing the two is like saying "Shakespeare said 'all the world is all a stage,' but Stephanie Meyer said 'I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars'". The people with this kind of insight are the ones that like to scorn society before going back to watching a re-run of the Jersey Shore. Of course, much more dedicated hipsters will probably post it on facebook and then talk about the evils of the Internet. There are so many things wrong with this poster that I feel like I just watched Sucker Punch. And like Sucker Punch, I have to take it one terrible scene at a time.

What we have is a picture of Frank Sinatra quoting the words to a song that was written for a musical in the 1930's and performed by Sinatra in 1961. The fact that Frank Sinatra didn't sing the song first is meaningless, but I think it's a funny note. But we're comparing artists of then and now, so to be fair we should pick a song that was super popular then and one that is super popular now. So Sinatra's version of "The Way you Look Tonight was probably as successful as "Baby" right? Actually, that song never made it to number one in 1961. The song that WAS number 1 the longest was a song called "Tossin and Turnin" by Bobby Lewis. There is not much to know about the guy, because his next song only made it to number 9 before he disappeared.

These are the lyrics:

Baby,
Baby,
You did something to me.
I couldn't sleep at all last night,
Just a-thinking of you.
Baby things weren't right.
Well I was tossing and turnin',
Turnin' and tossing,
Tossing and turnin' all night.

The lyrics don't get much deeper than that. Also on the list of Billboard hot 100 for that year is Ray Charles, who I love. But you can't argue that "Hit the Road Jack" is that much deeper in lyrics than "Baby".

However, if you really insist on proving that music is not as good as it used to be, you have to at least be fair in the comparisons. The above is a song that was sung by Frank Sinatra in his adult life, while Justin Beiber is just a fucking kid. Also, the guy who wrote "The Way You Look Tonight" was 45 years old, and was working to express a very specific point. Remember that the song was written for a musical, and musicals use songs to advance the plot by allowing the characters to say what they are feeling, without ACTUALLY saying it. Baby was written by Beiber with the help of a few 30 year olds for the purpose of entertainment.

Why is this teen pop sensation not carrying on Public Enemy's questioning of authority and government in his music?!

The problem with that stupid poster is that the person is picking very specific examples for a very biased point. Why not use something from a multiple Grammy award winner like The Black Keys?

Let me be your everlasting light
The sun when there is none
I'm a shepherd for you
And I'll guide you through
Let me be your everlasting light

That is a great sentiment from a band that is not only amazing, but also well recognized by the music community. Even better look at Adele, who is huge both critically and commercially. She's been on the Billboard Hot 100, won Grammy's... and she did it all without a mask.

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship [shit] bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

I won't bother with looking at the people who made it to the top 100 of the same year, because it's probably terrible. But you know what? The things that are popular now, will not necessarily withstand the test of time. Music has a filter. Just because you love these great artist of the 60's and 70's now, doesn't mean everybody loved them during their time. You also have to understand that every single generation looks down on their own, as if everything was somehow better at another point. Just look at the great literary writers of history. A lot of people would look at Twain and Blake and Shakespeare as low forms of art. They may have once been looked down on, but they are now considered classics.

Go backwards in time and you'll see that people have been saying the same stuff. If music really has died, then it's been going on for a long time.  Did you forget that during the 90's we had to put up with dozens of shitty pop artists?  Back in the 70's great artists were competing for popularity against disco music. This kind of thing has always existed.  Common wrote a song talking about his disappointment with the direction of hip-hop back in the 90's. He obviously didn't give up on it.

[Punchline's Note:  The song Zafra is talking about is called "I Used To Love H.E.R.," one of Common's most well known and respected songs]

Common using his discontent creatively and artistically, rather than as a sad attempt to sound better than everyone else.

So now to look nostalgically on this time that existed before us, is ridiculous. Just watch Midnight in Paris for a good example. Or read the review for it on my blog.

Equal Opportunity Offenders

Hello there, suave readers, you may notice its been almost a month since my last post.  I apologize.  When you receive financial aid for attending a university, you spend so much time reading long winded textbooks to get good grades that you stop writing in your spare time for no other reason than out of spite for written language itself.  Textbook authors and university professors generally understand the word “concise” about as well as Monsanto executives understand the word “compassion."

As a result, I’ve spent most of my time not doing work for classes being so unproductive that my fertility doctor recommended I avoid smoking and hot tubs.  Because those were the only things I was doing with my time (as well as hanging out with friends like David Zafra, who has his own blog here about film and philosophy, and Nick Mellot, who has his own blog here where he angrily rants about movies and politics), here I am once again.

Now, as some of you know, February is Black History Month.  Because I wanted to honor the significant history of Black folk in our country and prove I was “down,“ I figured it was time to find my own way of celebrating Black History Month.  You may be wondering, did I write about a significant Black figure or group from history?  Did I write something to raise awareness about issues relevant to the Black community today, like underrepresentation in media or overrepresentation in being pulled over for no reason?

there really are a lot of good topics I could address

Of course not, I did even better!  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present: my sassy black sidekick!  With him, I will talk about what I normally would, but with a zany black perspective to celebrate diversity.  Sassy black sidekick, go ahead and introduce yourself!

“I have a name, its Michael.  I am a person, not a commodity.”

Hey-oh!

“This post seems to feed into the old idea that a black person can either only be passive and nonthreatening or abrasive and ‘sassy,’ which is a dehumanizing and false dichotomy.  As someone who is mixed race yourself, you should really know better.”

Haha, sassy black sidekick, you so crazy!  But lets get back on topic, yo.  Today’s post is about self-described “equal opportunity offenders.”  These people are easy to recognize, because they will take every chance they get to talk about how they don’t play by society’s politically correct rules, but only when they are surrounded by a group of people who they know will agree with them, or at least not call them out.  They’re always ready to tell you how hilarious and edgy they are for repeating the same jokes about stereotypes you’ve heard countless times before and call you out on being too “politically correct” if you don’t find their tired brand of humor hilarious.

their spokesperson

The thing about people who identify themselves as equal opportunity offenders is that they aren’t even funny.  They’ll say the different between a bench and [whatever minority they don’t like] is that the latter can’t support a family, then look at you as if they just achieved some sort of comedic innovation that handles wit with the same level of intricate delicacy that Anderson Silva’s extra alien senses allow him to hurt human beings with.  When they get the same look of disdain and disappointment that their parents always gave them growing up, instead of the howling laughter they expected, its because you’re “too sensitive,” as if when someone starts crying and making excuses when you don’t laugh at their jokes the other person is the one who is “too sensitive.”

Even beyond the casual racism/sexism/etc, these "jokes" are about as original and interesting as a romantic comedy where everything works out in the end because love conquers all.  Repeating the same stereotypes that everyone has already heard and expecting laughter is like writing down the ingredients to cake and expecting a patent, fortune, and cake groupies for inventing cake.  Its just another generic drop in the bucket of stupid.

Make no mistake, you can be controversial and witty.  Look at people like Dave Chappelle, Daniel Tosh, Chris Rock, Seanbaby, or Rick Santorum; these people are hilarious and edgy.  Key word "and", because these are two different things that only occasionally overlap.  When these people talk about stereotypes, they will really deconstruct them and approach them from an original angle instead of just rehashing them.  As a matter of fact, I- hold up…  I’m getting word that Rick Santorum isn’t a Stephen Colbert type comedian who says outrageous things purely for shock value, but rather a Republican presidential candidate who allegedly means everything he says.  This... may affect the shrine to Rick Santorum I have in my room which has some of his most “hilarious” quotes, but if definitely doesn’t affect my point.

take note, this is how you can be both

The biggest problem is that these dipshits think that by being offensive they are also automatically being witty.  Its like thinking by being a failure you’re automatically M Night Shyamalan or by being sexist you’re automatically Richard Dawkins.  Correlation doesn’t equal causation, though I guess considering the closet discrimination these equal opportunity offenders perpetuate, they still don’t even understand imaginary correlation (stereotypes) doesn’t equal causation.

If correlation always equaled causation, then global warming could be blamed on the decline of impressive mustaches of world leaders and all clowns would be serial killers.  As we can see- okay, now that I think about it, those two are probably true so they are bad examples, but please believe me anyway.  We need to understand that being funny and being offensive are two distinctly different things that can intersect, but in no way does one guarantee the other.  Heres a hilarious video where Jim Gaffigan talks about being lazy, a video more unfamiliar with controversy than Muhammad Ali is with failure.

His jokes about remote controls sure are daring!

For the sake of everything decent everywhere, we can’t let these dipshits get away with thinking the reason people don’t like them is how daring they are.  In a way, its really the opposite.  So next time they start crying about how you are too sensitive to appreciate their humor, tell them they’re the ones who are too sensitive, and that such insecurity only turns you on.

Any last words, Sassy Black Sidekick?

“Again, my name is Michael, I'm a human being.  Anyway, you bring up some good points, though calling these people dipshits so often isn’t really going to lead to anything constructive.  Also, I think you really need to further address how perpetuating stereotypes isn’t helping anyone overcome them the way so many of these equal opportunity offenders seem to think, and in a lot of ways can be harmful.  Whether jokingly or seriously, whenever we bring up these stereotypes we keep them in the cultural conscious.  In fact-“

Haha, woo, you’re so wacky!  Any catchphrase you wanna throw at us before we sign off?

"I was trying to finish my-"

I don't understand ebonics, but sure thing Sassy Black Sidekick!

“So you're pretending to give a black person a voice, then talking over him before he can finish.  You’re an idiot and I quit.”

Oh you, you’re such a kidder!  Until next week, adventurers!

Guest Blog: Whats The Deal With Marriage, Am I Right Everyone?

 One thing that defines a person is the company they keep.  Its part of the reason economic status often perpetuates itself, part of the reason the Wu Tang Clan is so badass, and the entire reason all clowns are serial killers.  Today I have my good friend David Zafra (who has a pretty dope blog of his own where he discusses film through the lens of philosophy) talk about marriage; specifically, what is wrong with it.  Considering I was the officiant for his wedding, I take partial blame for whatever goes wrong here.

DISCLAIMER:  The totally baller views contained within this article do not necessarily reflect my own.

I read a couple of marriage articles by John Cheese very recently that got me thinking about a couple of things. Thinking about stuff is my strong suit and that's why David picked me from the mass of writing warriors to uphold the glory of his blog. Even though most of this is references to cracked articles. Anyways, here's some of the things I've noticed recently about marriage, but mostly weddings. I'm also a guy, so I may be a little biased... but seriously...

Women ruin marriage

Damn TV sitcoms and movies for creating the image of how wedding planning is "supposed" to be! Everything  from the tiny details (color of napkins) to the actual celebration. You cause your self so much unnecessary heartache, you think you just started taking Tae Kwon Do classes. 

One day this will work on a criminal!

Everyone tells you that your wedding day is a day you're never going to forget, and girls use that motivation to drive the event like a Brock Lesnar fight. Everyone says its going to be awesome, so it must be worth spending all this money promoting him and putting him on the Undisputed cover... because he's the best. But everyone loses track of what marriage was supposed to be all about. Love, right? Well, that's what so many naive young men think, right till the point that their significant others are metaphorically putting a gun to their heads, so we agree to dropping thousands on a location.

I was lucky to have a pretty cheap wedding in comparison to so many people. However, at one point a girl is so in love with her guy that she is willing to marry him in a potato sack dress in a corn field. Men hear this and jump all over it.... but then the truth comes out. Entire shows are dedicated to this idea and guys see it and get scared. I can't blame women completely for that, because it's the way things are spread in our society. I already mentioned this idea about the "perfect day that nobody will ever forget", but perfection is the bane of plans. When you are reflecting on life you won't be thinking about weddings. Like 127 Hours, you'll be thinking about the simple things... and probably the greatest time you got laid.

Parents Ruin Marriage

Your significant other's parents used to be people that you would only have deal with at dinner on the holidays. But when the relationship gets serious you suddenly have to live up to the standards they created. Maybe you don't have enough money, or seem responsible enough, or you're ethnic and your parent-in-law are white.

"I should really hide the silverware"

None of that usually matters until things get serious. Then the wedding planning starts, and you hear everyone say "this is THEIR day", even though you will trying to please everyone all the time. And this can be worse, depending on how close your spouse is to their families. With close families you have even more evasiveness's, so you'll be lucky if your fiance sides with you on the issues.

In the case of my wedding our families didn't like each other, and that stated a whole new set of problems.

But even if your families get along great, the parents love you, and you love them, you still cant avoid the peers.

Peers Ruin Marriage

The same bullshit I'm complaining about you probably heard a million times from friends, or co-workers, or people who watch a lot of sitcoms.  Its hard to avoid it, especially as a guy, you get the constant  cliche's about never having sex again, life is over, shes gonna be your boss, etc. I used to get scared because they said I'd never win an argument again. To me, that was as scary as a Christian watching Y Tu Mama Tambien.

I'm so miserable!

For guys that actually WANT to be married, several things probably happened in the process to make living less miserable. For some guys (me), it's not like you were having some crazy awesome life beforehand that you were throwing away. For other guys (romantics), this is something that you really want. I know a couple of guys who can't wait to start having kids and settling down. There's a lot of good things about being married, but it goes beyond that.

Just look at this quote quote from Newsweek

  "75... The Percent of 18- to 34-year-old men who believe that marriage is a necessary institution they'll engage in, versus 63 percent of women".

And...

"71= Percentage of 18- to 34-year-old men who believe in soul mates, versus 68 percent of women".

It's a weird trend in our society when the most outspoken group is also the one that perpetuates the trend. It's like Republicans who get caught doing gay things in bathroom stalls. However, we're talking about a much deeper problem here because women, parents and peers are all basing these ideas on what marriage is "supposed to be". So the biggest ruiner of marriage is....

Our ideals of marriage

I get a lot of heat for not being the typical "married guy". I don't wear a ring, I don't believe in a lot of the rules of the ritual, and I don't speak about my marriage with certainty.  That is, if someone says something along the lines of "how do you feel about knowing that you will be stuck with the same woman forever", I tell them that shit could happen to prevent that.  I don't think anything bad will happen at the moment, but this is America after all. I'll get into that some more later, but let me finish this concept of uncertainty.  To an existentialist, the lack of certainty doesn't mean anything.

Marriage is really like an extensive lease on an apartment. Sure you can get out of it at any time, but it's going to be much more expensive, and your landlord sort of knows that, so you both try to play nice to avoid a messy breakup. In this metaphor the lease is the marriage certificate, but all contracts can be broken. You are really signing an agreement to deal with this persons bullshit, but they're like family now so you have to deal with it regardless (South Park talked about this a little bit in an episode where Stan's parents were getting divorced).  

This may not be the romantic idea that you are signing up for, but the standard idea of love is doing a poor job when you stand it next to arranged marriage. These people live much happier than the free will married people of America. Anybody who is madly in love right now will say that they will stick around through thick and thin. Many of those people won't make it though. There's an article on BBC that talks about how middle class Indians that have started to give up on arranged marriages and increased the divorce rates 100%. I'm not saying that we need to switch to arranged marriage, only that the ideals that we created aren't the best, and a lot of that comes from the ideas given to us by TV and movies.

Boy do I hate sitcom wives like Elliot Reed and Monica Bing for teaching everyone how marriages are "supposed to be". I know guys can suck,  but women aren't prefect either. Far from it, they are pretty horrible. So why sitcoms choose to portray this image of a "crazy wife that guys have to accept despite the craziness" is far from my understanding. It basically means you don't have to change at all; Even if you're crazy, immoral and probably have a severe case of OCD.

Don't let the looks fool you, she's a total bitch.

But this idea of crazy woman that you are supposed to love anyways isn't really the most healthy way of going about a relationship. Nor is the idea of your wife being in charge, instead of being a partner. Sexless marriage is not usually a sign of a good relationship either. Yet these are the idea that we perpetuate in our society. It's almost as if these shows and movies were unrealistic.