Guest Blog: Whats The Deal With Music These Days?

A key trademark of dipshits is their need to proclaim how totally intelligent and independent minded they are.  Paradoxically, almost by definition, they have nothing interesting to say.

Because of this, they decide the best way to show everyone how free thinking they are is to proclaim how terrible Justin Bieber, "Twilight," or any other mediocre popular thing is, as if it is some deep, dark secret that only they could figure out.  It'd be like pointing out why a blind person couldn't be a good sniper to make it seem like you have a knowledge of guns or warfare.  If these people listened to song glorifying violence against women, three days and forty five listens later they'd post a status update on Facebook proclaiming how they just figured out "Smack That Bitch With a Shovel" is totally sexist and that everyone else should open their eyes!

Once they establish that some things in popular culture aren't a profound exploration of the human condition, they use this as an excuse to complain about how our generation is totally ignorant and how we should be ashamed that generic entertainment is popular.  They'll then cherry pick a couple classics from a single era, compare them to some of the more popular (but forgettable) stuff of today, and point to that as a reason as to why we are getting dumber as a species... except for them, of course!  If you made one of these people a professional MMA fighter, they'd just carry around a picture that features Bas Rutten, Jake Shields, and a caption that says "What happened?" to try and make up for the fact they'd start crying every time they got hit.

This leads me to today's guest post by famed internet playboy David Zafra, who has his own blog about movies and philosophy here.  Today he tackles the below poster, which perfectly epitomizes the aforementioned dipshittery I described:

I cannot believe how many people jump on the approval of this poster without realizing how illogical it is to be disappointed with music because of this kind of comparison. Comparing the two is like saying "Shakespeare said 'all the world is all a stage,' but Stephanie Meyer said 'I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars'". The people with this kind of insight are the ones that like to scorn society before going back to watching a re-run of the Jersey Shore. Of course, much more dedicated hipsters will probably post it on facebook and then talk about the evils of the Internet. There are so many things wrong with this poster that I feel like I just watched Sucker Punch. And like Sucker Punch, I have to take it one terrible scene at a time.

What we have is a picture of Frank Sinatra quoting the words to a song that was written for a musical in the 1930's and performed by Sinatra in 1961. The fact that Frank Sinatra didn't sing the song first is meaningless, but I think it's a funny note. But we're comparing artists of then and now, so to be fair we should pick a song that was super popular then and one that is super popular now. So Sinatra's version of "The Way you Look Tonight was probably as successful as "Baby" right? Actually, that song never made it to number one in 1961. The song that WAS number 1 the longest was a song called "Tossin and Turnin" by Bobby Lewis. There is not much to know about the guy, because his next song only made it to number 9 before he disappeared.

These are the lyrics:

Baby,
Baby,
You did something to me.
I couldn't sleep at all last night,
Just a-thinking of you.
Baby things weren't right.
Well I was tossing and turnin',
Turnin' and tossing,
Tossing and turnin' all night.

The lyrics don't get much deeper than that. Also on the list of Billboard hot 100 for that year is Ray Charles, who I love. But you can't argue that "Hit the Road Jack" is that much deeper in lyrics than "Baby".

However, if you really insist on proving that music is not as good as it used to be, you have to at least be fair in the comparisons. The above is a song that was sung by Frank Sinatra in his adult life, while Justin Beiber is just a fucking kid. Also, the guy who wrote "The Way You Look Tonight" was 45 years old, and was working to express a very specific point. Remember that the song was written for a musical, and musicals use songs to advance the plot by allowing the characters to say what they are feeling, without ACTUALLY saying it. Baby was written by Beiber with the help of a few 30 year olds for the purpose of entertainment.

Why is this teen pop sensation not carrying on Public Enemy's questioning of authority and government in his music?!

The problem with that stupid poster is that the person is picking very specific examples for a very biased point. Why not use something from a multiple Grammy award winner like The Black Keys?

Let me be your everlasting light
The sun when there is none
I'm a shepherd for you
And I'll guide you through
Let me be your everlasting light

That is a great sentiment from a band that is not only amazing, but also well recognized by the music community. Even better look at Adele, who is huge both critically and commercially. She's been on the Billboard Hot 100, won Grammy's... and she did it all without a mask.

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your ship [shit] bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

I won't bother with looking at the people who made it to the top 100 of the same year, because it's probably terrible. But you know what? The things that are popular now, will not necessarily withstand the test of time. Music has a filter. Just because you love these great artist of the 60's and 70's now, doesn't mean everybody loved them during their time. You also have to understand that every single generation looks down on their own, as if everything was somehow better at another point. Just look at the great literary writers of history. A lot of people would look at Twain and Blake and Shakespeare as low forms of art. They may have once been looked down on, but they are now considered classics.

Go backwards in time and you'll see that people have been saying the same stuff. If music really has died, then it's been going on for a long time.  Did you forget that during the 90's we had to put up with dozens of shitty pop artists?  Back in the 70's great artists were competing for popularity against disco music. This kind of thing has always existed.  Common wrote a song talking about his disappointment with the direction of hip-hop back in the 90's. He obviously didn't give up on it.

[Punchline's Note:  The song Zafra is talking about is called "I Used To Love H.E.R.," one of Common's most well known and respected songs]

Common using his discontent creatively and artistically, rather than as a sad attempt to sound better than everyone else.

So now to look nostalgically on this time that existed before us, is ridiculous. Just watch Midnight in Paris for a good example. Or read the review for it on my blog.

Equal Opportunity Offenders

Hello there, suave readers, you may notice its been almost a month since my last post.  I apologize.  When you receive financial aid for attending a university, you spend so much time reading long winded textbooks to get good grades that you stop writing in your spare time for no other reason than out of spite for written language itself.  Textbook authors and university professors generally understand the word “concise” about as well as Monsanto executives understand the word “compassion."

As a result, I’ve spent most of my time not doing work for classes being so unproductive that my fertility doctor recommended I avoid smoking and hot tubs.  Because those were the only things I was doing with my time (as well as hanging out with friends like David Zafra, who has his own blog here about film and philosophy, and Nick Mellot, who has his own blog here where he angrily rants about movies and politics), here I am once again.

Now, as some of you know, February is Black History Month.  Because I wanted to honor the significant history of Black folk in our country and prove I was “down,“ I figured it was time to find my own way of celebrating Black History Month.  You may be wondering, did I write about a significant Black figure or group from history?  Did I write something to raise awareness about issues relevant to the Black community today, like underrepresentation in media or overrepresentation in being pulled over for no reason?

there really are a lot of good topics I could address

Of course not, I did even better!  Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present: my sassy black sidekick!  With him, I will talk about what I normally would, but with a zany black perspective to celebrate diversity.  Sassy black sidekick, go ahead and introduce yourself!

“I have a name, its Michael.  I am a person, not a commodity.”

Hey-oh!

“This post seems to feed into the old idea that a black person can either only be passive and nonthreatening or abrasive and ‘sassy,’ which is a dehumanizing and false dichotomy.  As someone who is mixed race yourself, you should really know better.”

Haha, sassy black sidekick, you so crazy!  But lets get back on topic, yo.  Today’s post is about self-described “equal opportunity offenders.”  These people are easy to recognize, because they will take every chance they get to talk about how they don’t play by society’s politically correct rules, but only when they are surrounded by a group of people who they know will agree with them, or at least not call them out.  They’re always ready to tell you how hilarious and edgy they are for repeating the same jokes about stereotypes you’ve heard countless times before and call you out on being too “politically correct” if you don’t find their tired brand of humor hilarious.

their spokesperson

The thing about people who identify themselves as equal opportunity offenders is that they aren’t even funny.  They’ll say the different between a bench and [whatever minority they don’t like] is that the latter can’t support a family, then look at you as if they just achieved some sort of comedic innovation that handles wit with the same level of intricate delicacy that Anderson Silva’s extra alien senses allow him to hurt human beings with.  When they get the same look of disdain and disappointment that their parents always gave them growing up, instead of the howling laughter they expected, its because you’re “too sensitive,” as if when someone starts crying and making excuses when you don’t laugh at their jokes the other person is the one who is “too sensitive.”

Even beyond the casual racism/sexism/etc, these "jokes" are about as original and interesting as a romantic comedy where everything works out in the end because love conquers all.  Repeating the same stereotypes that everyone has already heard and expecting laughter is like writing down the ingredients to cake and expecting a patent, fortune, and cake groupies for inventing cake.  Its just another generic drop in the bucket of stupid.

Make no mistake, you can be controversial and witty.  Look at people like Dave Chappelle, Daniel Tosh, Chris Rock, Seanbaby, or Rick Santorum; these people are hilarious and edgy.  Key word "and", because these are two different things that only occasionally overlap.  When these people talk about stereotypes, they will really deconstruct them and approach them from an original angle instead of just rehashing them.  As a matter of fact, I- hold up…  I’m getting word that Rick Santorum isn’t a Stephen Colbert type comedian who says outrageous things purely for shock value, but rather a Republican presidential candidate who allegedly means everything he says.  This... may affect the shrine to Rick Santorum I have in my room which has some of his most “hilarious” quotes, but if definitely doesn’t affect my point.

take note, this is how you can be both

The biggest problem is that these dipshits think that by being offensive they are also automatically being witty.  Its like thinking by being a failure you’re automatically M Night Shyamalan or by being sexist you’re automatically Richard Dawkins.  Correlation doesn’t equal causation, though I guess considering the closet discrimination these equal opportunity offenders perpetuate, they still don’t even understand imaginary correlation (stereotypes) doesn’t equal causation.

If correlation always equaled causation, then global warming could be blamed on the decline of impressive mustaches of world leaders and all clowns would be serial killers.  As we can see- okay, now that I think about it, those two are probably true so they are bad examples, but please believe me anyway.  We need to understand that being funny and being offensive are two distinctly different things that can intersect, but in no way does one guarantee the other.  Heres a hilarious video where Jim Gaffigan talks about being lazy, a video more unfamiliar with controversy than Muhammad Ali is with failure.

His jokes about remote controls sure are daring!

For the sake of everything decent everywhere, we can’t let these dipshits get away with thinking the reason people don’t like them is how daring they are.  In a way, its really the opposite.  So next time they start crying about how you are too sensitive to appreciate their humor, tell them they’re the ones who are too sensitive, and that such insecurity only turns you on.

Any last words, Sassy Black Sidekick?

“Again, my name is Michael, I'm a human being.  Anyway, you bring up some good points, though calling these people dipshits so often isn’t really going to lead to anything constructive.  Also, I think you really need to further address how perpetuating stereotypes isn’t helping anyone overcome them the way so many of these equal opportunity offenders seem to think, and in a lot of ways can be harmful.  Whether jokingly or seriously, whenever we bring up these stereotypes we keep them in the cultural conscious.  In fact-“

Haha, woo, you’re so wacky!  Any catchphrase you wanna throw at us before we sign off?

"I was trying to finish my-"

I don't understand ebonics, but sure thing Sassy Black Sidekick!

“So you're pretending to give a black person a voice, then talking over him before he can finish.  You’re an idiot and I quit.”

Oh you, you’re such a kidder!  Until next week, adventurers!