Glorious Return Part 2: "Nice" Guys

I’m just going to get this disclaimer out of the way: being an actual nice person is dope and you should always strive to be one.  Tell the person at the register they are doing a great job, give someone a jump if their car battery ran out, compliment a stranger’s hair in the middle of an orgy- it’s the little things that can really make a person’s day.  Life can be tough sometimes, why shouldn’t we try to treat each other with respect and dignity?

 "Hey, I really liked your hair in that orgy, heres a balloon"
See how easy that was?!*

But there are a lot of straight guys out there who perpetually talk about how their failure with women lies solely on the fact that they are “too nice” and that women only go after assholes.  From my understanding, a lot of straight women do the same thing where they say they are “too smart” to attract men; I’m not as familiar with that, but if anyone wants to write about that hit me up (same for any LGBTQ peeps).

This "nice" guy mentality is something I do know about, though- I was stuck in it myself until part way through high school.  So I’m coming from a place of understanding when I say there is more wrong with this “nice” guy mentality than what Snooki does to the prisoners in her labyrinth. 

First and foremost is that it turns women into a prize, rather than a person.  The underlying idea is that a woman is to be “won over” like a toy at an arcade.  Forget the fact that anything from a one night stand to a committed relationship involves things like chemistry, differences in what people find attractive, goals for what you want out- a woman should exchange me opening the door for her with blowjobs, damn it!  Forget their own opinions or preferences, they owe it to me!

Its something that has been programmed into us since birth through things such as movies.  The lovable loser or ugly duckling male lead inevitably wins over the beautiful female lead, who has the personality of a rock that finds Two Broke Girls funny.  Now try to think of how many times you've seen a movie where a guy ends up with an awkward girl who isn't what society would call attractive.  I don't mean an actress who puts on glasses and loose fitting clothes and is all of a sudden supposed to be considered unattractive, either.  I mean one who actually fits that criteria.  The only movie that I know of is that Shallow Hal movie with Jack Black.  

Are we really at a point as a society where Jack Black is our paragon of sexual equity?

This leads me to the next point, which is the underlying double standard in this statement.  The complaints are often about women who fit our society’s standard of beauty, what we consider attractive.  We talk about how the women who look like models are shallow and only care about douchebags, which would be like Walmart complaining about how Target destroys small businesses.  What if we talked to average, every day women, who have more than 5% body fat and a couple scars from their time wrestling bears to protect their young?

There is another layer of double standards, though.  For instance, lets say I boned a women on FOX News based purely on how physically attractive I find her, even though they contribute about as much good to the human species as a creationist museum.  I know I’d be greeted largely by high fives and more high fives because they are considered attractive.

But if a woman had sex with one of the guys on there?  It’d be a never ending stream of “how could you have sex with that monster?!”  And while Sean Hannity is known to sprout pale, leathery wings and breath fire on hapless travelers from time to time, I don’t think that is fair.  Maybe we should all be ashamed to be attracted to terrible people, maybe we shouldn’t be.  But we definitely should all be held to the same standard.

When the full moon rises, I shall merge with the night and usher in a new reign of suffering…

that aside, these double standards you soft fleshed mortals have are pretty wack

Also, I don't know a single woman who has ever turned down a guy for being "too nice."  If they do, they're either fifteen or have a lot of emotional issues.  And you really shouldn't be going after either.  I know tons of compassionate, caring people who are in healthy relationships and I don't know any woman who has ever turned down someone for being too "nice" or complained about a guy being nice, though I do know women who have turned down guys for being too docile, boring, and a whole host of other things.

That leads me to the final problem I will mention, which is the fact that this mentality is just a way for us to deflect blame from ourselves.  Sure, maybe we could stand to socialize a bit more, or exercise more often, or pick up an interesting hobby, or work on our sense of humor or whatever- or maybe its because we’re just too nice!  It sure does suck being this perfect and chivalrous when everyone else is an asshole!  I mean, if politeness can’t be used to get me some titties, whats the point of any of that bullshit, am I right nice guys?!  …Oh, wait.

*I hope you noticed I didn't specify which person in the picture gave the post-orgy balloon to the other