Hello there readers, as you may have noticed I haven’t posted for a while. I apologize, but I just haven’t found anything that I desperately needed to say. If I kept speaking without anything to say, I’d be just as bad as recent episodes of Family Guy. No one wants that.
But recently, a friend of mine linked me to an article called 10 Unbelievable Real Life Products (from Smosh.com). After reading it I couldn’t resist the urge to mock everything I saw. These products would not go unpunished.
My favorite thing about late night TV commercials is they all operate on the assumption that most of us watching are overwhelmed by how inconvenient our convenience based lifestyles are. Here is the average late night TV commercial in a nutshell: "are you such an incompetent piece of shit that the most basic of everyday activities is confusing and frustrating? Well fear not, because now we have invented a product to take away even the most trivial of discomforts! Order now and we'll send a telegraph to every child in an exploited nation telling them to go fuck themselves!"
These ten products are so bad, they are outliers on that spectrum.
10. Comfort Wipes
My favorite thing about this commercial is how terrible they make toilet paper sound, and yet the product is a plastic rod that holds your toilet paper. Speaking of which, shoving a plastic rod up your backside with toilet paper at the end doesn’t sound like the cleanest process available. It says contoured for your comfort, but that’s like contouring a chair for someone’s comfort before water boarding them. Nothing this terrible has happened to human buttholes since, according to this video, the 1880s.
But wait, theres more! Order now and you’ll get a “Get A Grip” to help you out of the bath! This is a great deal for the two or three adults who still take bathes instead of showers.
9. Tiddy Bears
If you had a stuffed animal attached to your seatbelt and told me it was to relieve the constant pressure of seatbelts, I’d instantly report you to the police, trusting that the corpses in the back of your vehicle would smell bad enough to serve as probable cause for a search warrant. There is no one who owns this product and has any sort of respect for human life.
Also, if you want something short, orange, and sexually non-threatening to latch onto your chest while you drive, I’m pretty sure Pauly D will be looking for work soon enough.
8. Slobstopper
They actually named this thing the “Slobstopper.” If you lack enough self-respect to order a product that literally calls you a slob, what else can I really say? Other than ask how long you've been writing erotic fan fiction, of course.
7. Better Marriage Blanket
And they say letting gay people get married will ruin the sanctity of marriage? Call me old fashioned, but if you need a blanket made of military grade material used to protect against chemical weapons, your marriage may need some work.
Couples should be able to enjoy each others’ farts. Or maybe just get angry and say nothing about it, stifling your rage as it silently builds up, until one day you chase your spouse around with a kitchen knife. Maybe that’s why they call it silent… but deadly!
6. Kush Support
I’m not gonna pretend to be an expert on womens’ chest comfort when they sleep at night, but why would they name this thing after something that makes you paranoid and lazy? I- ooooh, I get it! Not cool, Kush Support.
5. Ahhh… Fresh Foam
I’d love to make fun of this product, but if I used toilet paper covered in a weird foamy substance, “Ahhh!” really does say it all. It does make me wonder what so many late night TV commercials have against toilet paper, though. Maybe it’s because every other late night TV commercial is from a fast food place like Taco Bell or Jack In The Box. Eating at places like those will absolutely make conventional toilet paper inadequate. Where is the military grade protection against chemical weapons when you actually need it?
4. Poop Trap
The worst part about this is that the video claims that the pets will enjoy it too, knowing the pet won’t suddenly scream “curse you for doing this to me!” Its like when a wealthy politician tries to talk about what low income communities need in a setting that has no actual poor folk in it. It’s the best way to show everyone you hate your dog without having the animal shelter or police called on you. The Poop Trap does a better job of stealing individual dignity than a corporation in a developing nation. If animals overthrew humanity and dogs decided to enslave us, all they'd have to do is show this product as evidence and no Grand Animal Court would convict us.
3. Cami Secret
Ladies, help me out here: have you ever wanted to put a piece of cloth under your low cut tops to stop people from staring at your cleavage, but hesitated because the cloth wasn’t unreasonably expensive? Well, if that’s the case, then one of your male family members may also like…
2. Uro Club
When I first saw this product, I knew something was off. At first I thought it was just because the tone of the guy complaining about his inability to urinate in public clearly showed he was on bath salts. Then I remembered that at country clubs, it is socially expected for members to relieve themselves by urinating on poor people and call it “trickle down economics.” There was no real demand for this product, Uro Club, I’m on to you.
Also, urinating on a bush in public is as American as gentrification or late night TV commercials. First these rich assholes shipped all of our jobs overseas, now they’re pissing away our traditions? When will this attack on America end?!
1. Wonder Boner
I’ll take two, please.
[Shout out to Brandon for linking me to this article and Smosh for creating it in the first place]
